Here are some one liners I wrote:
Recent surveys show Americans do not like self check outs but prefer to be checked out by someone else, the same surveys show that arrests for indecent exposure are on the rise.
A recent survey says 51% of Americans believe that stormy weather affects cloud computing, how did the other 49% get it wrong.
According to a recent survey, 55% of Americans think they are smarter than the average Americans, I did not think teenagers represented that much of society.
1 in 5 British folks say they would be interested in sex with a robots, which makes sense, why deal with viagra when you can have hydraulics.
Got on the bus and the driver asked where to, I said I wanted to Wacker, she turned around and beat the crap out of me and claimed self defense.
You heard about Air Alaska losing part of the fuselage midflight, now they are offering a wider choice of seating, aisle, middle, window or midair.
My wife is very demanding, I like to bring her morning muffin to her in my pajamas, but she complains that she wants the muffin on a plate.
You all heard that little car thing that you need in your pocket to start a car is called a Fob. But did you know Fob is actually an acronym which stands for Finger On Bomb.
A waffle is nothing more than a pancake with really bad acne.
My dog likes to sit on my foot when she wants to be petted, I call that her footylicous move.
Money is not the root of all evil. Not having enough money is the root of all evil.
Yesterday was national Cheesesteak Day and National Cocktail Day, which makes today National Cheese Whiz Day.